I Didn't Love you

i just knew you too well.

I didn’t love you.

I just happened to walk the long way home, the way that passed by your street, even though it added ten extra minutes. I just happened to know your favorite songs, your least favorite foods, and the way you always tapped your fingers on the table when you were thinking.

I didn’t love you.

I just happened to remember your coffee order, down to the extra shot of espresso on mornings you had meetings. I just happened to save the last seat for you at the table, even when you were running late. I just happened to laugh a little too easily at your jokes, even when they weren’t funny.

I didn’t love you.

I just happened to text you when it rained, knowing you’d probably forget your umbrella. I just happened to remember your favorite childhood cartoon and mention it casually, as if I hadn’t spent hours trying to find the exact episode that made you laugh.

I didn’t love you.

I just happened to notice when your voice got quiet, when your answers grew shorter, when your laughter didn’t reach your eyes. And maybe I just happened to send you a funny meme on those days, pretending it was nothing, pretending I wasn’t hoping it would make you smile.

I didn’t love you.

But I stayed up late, listening to you talk about things I didn’t understand. I watched movies that bored me, read books that frustrated me, just to have something to say when you brought them up. I let you vent about people who didn’t deserve you, nodding along as you told me how much they meant to you.

I didn’t love you.

I just happened to remember the way your hands got cold too easily, so I carried an extra pair of gloves. I just happened to know you didn’t like cinnamon in your hot chocolate, so I always made sure it was plain. I just happened to turn up at the bookstore at the same time as you, even though I had nothing to buy.

I didn’t love you.

But I just happened to let you talk about them, the people you actually liked. I just happened to let you tell me about your dates, your crushes, your almosts. I just happened to let you call me when they broke your heart, let you lean on me, let you cry.

I didn’t love you.

But I just happened to save your seat. I just happened to make sure your favorite song was on the playlist. I just happened to ask about your day, even when you stopped asking about mine.

I didn’t love you.

But I just happened to sit next to you whenever there was an empty seat, but only if it didn’t seem too obvious. I just happened to pick the table with the best lighting, because I knew how much you hated bad photos. I just happened to take pictures of you when you weren’t looking, just to remember how you looked when you were lost in thought.

I didn’t love you.

But I just happened to be there on the nights when no one else was. I just happened to sit beside you in silence when words didn’t feel right. I just happened to know exactly what to say, and when to say nothing at all.

I didn’t love you.

But I caught myself waiting. Waiting for you to see it. For you to turn around. For you to notice that every small thing I ever did was just a quiet way of saying, It’s you. It’s always been you. But you never did.

And,

Maybe one day, I’ll stop checking the door, expecting you to walk in.
Maybe one day, I’ll stop hearing your name in conversations that have nothing to do with you.
Maybe one day, I’ll stop holding onto memories like they meant something, like they ever belonged to me.

Maybe one day, I’ll stop seeing you in every stranger who laughs the way you used to,
in every song that once played in your car,
in every place that still holds the ghost of you.

Maybe one day, I’ll wake up and you won’t be the first thought in my mind.
Maybe I’ll go the whole day without looking for you in places I know you’ll never be.
Maybe I won’t dream about you anymore.

Maybe one day, I’ll stop wondering if you ever think of me, too.
Maybe one day, I’ll stop hoping that in some other life, in some other time, you might have stayed.

Maybe one day, I’ll finally believe it.

That I didn’t love you.